Updated: Mar 24
We all have this picture perfect idea of how life is supposed to be for us. I think it starts when we’re young because we use our imagination so vividly trying to anticipate how much money we’ll make, where we’ll live, who our lifetime friends will be, who we’re going to spend the rest of our lives with, how many kids we’ll have, etc. The list goes on and on and before you know it we carve out everything we want to happen and start taking the steps to follow our path and not God’s path for us. The part that everyone forgets is that a lot of times things don’t go the way we planned and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean we failed or that we should give up but it does mean it’s time for a new plan. What may have looked picture perfect to us then looks completely different now and you know what that’s called? Growth.
I haven’t made a blog post in a year and what an eventful year it has been y’all. I’ve experienced heartbreak, resigning from a company I thought I’d never leave, learned some things about myself that I didn’t like very much, feeling like a failure as a mother, etc. All the struggles I was facing while also juggling the feeling of not knowing what’s next was incredibly tough. What was life without the man you started to build life with? Do I even love myself? What company could I work for that was going to respect me and my talent? How could I let Noah down the way that I feel like I have? I’m crying writing this post because y’all don’t know how much I’ve been going through mentally this last year. I feel like a brand new woman today and I think it’s important to share my story to all my mama’s, mama’s to be, and honestly anyone else that can relate.
Two things I mentioned kind of go hand and hand, learning what it was like without the man I started to build life with and learning if I practiced self love the way I thought I did. I want y’all to stop reading now if you think I’m going to bash the man I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with and the man who gave me the best thing that’s ever happened to me publicly (just text me for the real tea y’all. Kidding just kidding). I’m gonna keep it real though. Sometimes things just don’t work out. Sometimes you have to stand up for yourself and put yourself first. One thing I refused to do was settle. It was not fair to myself and it wouldn’t have been fair to him. Life was picture perfect y’all. We had a baby, we bought a house, we were in love, and I just knew my ring was coming next. The biggest reason it ended was due to being too comfortable. I won’t go into detail because baby I’d need another year but I will say I know what I wanted in a man and in a future husband and I wasn’t getting that so I had to do what was necessary. I loved me more. I will always love myself enough to know when to end things that are no longer benefiting my life. The part that scared me is that I didn’t know if I loved myself as much because I didn’t pull the plug when I was supposed to because I was scared. The feeling of being scared is nerve wrecking. I had a lot on the line y’all —— new property, a new-ish baby, a new job. Was I ready to deal with all the new all by myself? I definitely wasn't but it was time to face my fears.
I grew up in a two parent home. I got all the love in the world from both of my parents. So naturally when it didn’t work out between Noah’s father and I, I felt like a true failure. How in the hell did I let my son down like this? How can I make sure he still feels that same love if he’s not getting it from within the same house? How is mommy going to still pay for this house so we don’t have to move back in with my parents? I sit here and think about my answers to those questions initially and I kind of chuckle. How dare I not have faith that God was gonna see me through this? He gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers. I took that self doubt and that heartache and mixed it in with my faith in the lord and only one thing came from it... undeniable strength. I looked into my baby’s beautiful, round eyes and I stopped crying. I stopped doubting myself as a mother. That human needs me everyday for the rest of his life. It was time to put on my big girl panties and thug it out baby. God blessed me with a job opportunity in a healthy work environment at an amazing company doing what I love. My financial blessings have only prospered since starting at the company. I take care of myself and my child financially with no problems and that is the ultimate blessing. I continue making the home we used to share as a family of three a home for just my son and I. Let’s be real though, the mama guilt will never end. There’s only one solution I’ve found and it is to love on my baby boy whenever I get the chance. I’m going to love him so hard that he will NEVER question why he isn’t enough, why his parents aren’t together, etc.
I had plenty of emotional support through the tough times. I leaned on my family and friends often and I appreciate every single one of them that listened to me vent and let me cry on their shoulder. I realized they weren’t the ones that had to put the work in though so it was time for me to work and struggle at it until I came out on top. Noah James Hill is the reason this undeniable strength pulsates through my body. I am a wonderful mother and I don’t need anyone to ever tell me that. You can see it from the love that pours from my child. I hope every single person that reads this takes one thing away from this post. You’re not okay right now but you will be. The things you thought you needed in life aren’t the things God wanted in your life. So cry about it, be upset and angry, get it all out; and then move forward, refocus, and pray through it.